In breaking news that should surprise no one, the New Orleans Saints were caught cheating again. Allegedly.
Being the incredibly professional and well respected sports blogger that I am, I immediately called The Sports Dump founder (and resident New Orleans homer), Charlie “Jumbo” Copeland, in order to laugh at him. In the spirit of Mickey Loomis, I recorded the conversation and decided to share it with you beautiful people. Enjoy.
Jumbo: I hope you’re calling to apologize for all those bad things you were tweeting about Dwight Howard today, I LOVE THAT GUY!!
Me: Um, no. Dwight Howard is an immature, self absorbed diva. I’m actually calling to get your reaction to the Saints news.
Jumbo: Huh, what are you talking about?
Me: Oh man, come on. Please tell me you’ve heard.
Jumbo: Heard what? Quit jerkin me around!
Me: Oh wow, this is awesome. I can’t believe I get to be the one who breaks it to you! Hahahaha…
Jumbo: …WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT??
Me: (laughing between every word) They. Caught. Them. Cheating. AGAIN!!!
Jumbo: Shut up, you’re making that up.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA…no man….HAHAHA….I’m serious!
Jumbo: (his voice begins to shake) w-where did you hear that?
Me: Just saw a tweet about it and ESPN is apparently running with it.
Jumbo: (silence. Which is extremely rare for the Jumbo, so you know it had just hit him)
Me: (still laughing hysterically) Man, you guys are SO DUMB!! How do you get caught again??
At this point, he’s reading the ESPN article and thinking out loud while I’m still laughing in his ear. To the Jumbo’s credit, he never hung up on me.
Jumbo: This is…I mean…Loomis must have…I just don’t…What?? 2002-2004?? WE WEREN’T EVEN GOOD THEN!!
Me:How can you eavesdrop on the opposing team and still suck so bad?
Now he’s starting to get angry. He shouted some incoherent things before finally proclaiming he’d figured it all out.
Jumbo: I KNOW WHAT THIS IS! THERE’S A SNITCH AND I KNOW WHO IT IS!!
Me: Please don’t say Jeremy Shockey again, you can’t blame that guy for everything that happens.
Jumbo: NO! IT’S TOM BENSON’S GRANDDAUGHTER!!
Jumbo: YES!! SHE’S ALWAYS WANTED TO BE IN CHARGE, BUT WAS JUST RECENTLY PUT ON ADMINISTRATIVE LEAVE! I KNOW SHE’S THE ONE WHO LEAKED THIS!!
Me: Why would she do that if she’s going to be running the team one day?
Jumbo: BECAUSE SHE’S MAD SHE WASN’T CONSULTED ON STUFF! I KNOW IT WAS HER!!
Me: Man, that really doesn’t make any…
Jumbo: …IT WAS HER!!!
Me: Ok man. Whatever you say. Anyway, so it says the NFL didn’t even know about this. Even with all the bounty-gate stuff going on. Kaiser Goodell isn’t going to be happy you guys hid this from him…
Jumbo: What is he going to do? Fire Tom Benson? Tom Benson doesn’t care, he’s rich and does what he wants.
Me: I don’t know, but this is blatant cheating. The bounties were about player safety, but didn’t directly jeopardize the integrity of the league. This could be ugly.
Jumbo: Whatever, we’ll still win the NFC South.
Me: What? You guys might want to just cancel the season, you’ll probably lose less money that way. Goodell and his hammer are coming to the bayou! AGAIN!
I started laughing hysterically again. Jumbo started to rattle off the names Drew Brees and Darren Sproles over and over again.
Me: Well, sorry man. Maybe you guys will get the #1 pick next year and can draft Matt Barkley to replace Chase Daniel.
Jumbo: *hangs up*